Sad mostly

Well, it's official. Letha and Brian are heading out of town and off to China and Cambridge next weekend. I am so excited for them. I really am, and yet am sad. On some level, I just feel bad that I didn't have more time to spend with them before it was time for them to go. It is hard to imagine what was so important that I didn't have time to call more often, but life seems to pull us away like that. Letha is one of my oldest friends, if not my oldest. She is the one who reminds me to look straight ahead and keep walking. It is time for her to move on in her life. I am sure on some level we both are hiding in Portland because it is nice and safe, when we could or should be doing something else. I just wish I felt like I was a better friend. She was alone for most of this year and I was like, yeah, let's get together. But when? Between papers or coven events? Between teaching schedules and visits with family and remodeling. Or perhaps I was just too close to my own sadness about having Jason be gone and having to be strong in that way. Perhaps I didn't want her to see that and just wanted it to be okay for her. even in the moment I am not sure. Mostly I think it's my own detachment from time and the way that I don't think spatially... meaning... I don't have time for everything I want to do and don't have a concept of what it will take to do it. If it were up to me, we'd all just do what we needed to do and ignore the clock. And yet, here is a situation where it bit me in the ass. I ran out of time being too busy doing what I feel like I am called to do, but yet still managed to neglect something that I feel matters more to me than some other things that I have invested in. How does that work? I feel wrong saying that I felt bad for missing time with a dear friend bec ause I was putting in french doors.

I've been crying at some level most of the evening. After I dropped Jason off at the airport a day earlier than I had expected, I just came home and cried. I think I am just grieving her leaving and looking for reasons why I should feel bad or sad instead of just the fact that I am sad to see her go.

Gypsy Sapphire

Gypsy Sapphire

Jason is off again in San Mateo working for Visa. He's been there for weeks now. They love him and he's brilliant at what he does. I've been able to travel with him for some of the trips, which has given me some time with him. But... I miss him. I want him to come home and be home. My heart misses him a lot. This has been over three years. I'm actually doing okay, I just feel a place in my heart that has essentially blocked him out because there is too much pain having him be gone. He's not available normally by phone either. I may not hear from him for 3 or 4 days at a time. Yet, when he is home he is loving and attentive. I know that he loves me. I am just not sure if I am doing okay with him being gone. I'd like to say I am, and sometimes, I am. Today, I'm not, this weekend, I wasn't. This too shall pass into the history that is the last few years and I will find myself again, my strength, my independence and my love of the life that I do have outside of him. For now, I am grieving but this shall make me stronger.

I am at the end of the classwork part of my program. While I have another year til I graduate I am nearing the end of a significant part of the program. This class I am in right now has been less than interesting. It could be that I am SO ready to be graduated. It could also be that the class is just that pointless. Usually Cecilia's classes are the bomb. This term just feels like a big fat nothing. I have to do my practicum 2 class which is finished except for the class time. I will fill out the paperwork and for all that effort I get a PASS! I think I am definitely motivated by grades. Yes, I have the mentality of an 8 year old when it comes to grades! "Do I get a gold star?!" :) My friends John and Shannon are getting married this summer in Montana. Jason and I are going to head out there. I cannot wait! I haven't been to Montana since I lived there as a child. I'm curious to see what it looks like with 30 year old eyes vs the 4 year old eyes that I had at the time.

"Calispell your looking swell! Oooooooo"

Dougie MacLean Concert

Letha and I spent this evening together eating sushi at this hole-in-the-wall-not-too-shabby sushi place right down the street from the Hollywood Theater. The food was excellent and we split 3 rolls (half of which were raw), had miso and a less-chunky-than-Kojis Green Tea. We laughed at ourselves a lot, talked about our weeks, when Brian was due back and her Oracle testing, which BTW she passed with flying colors!!

Our plan of course for eating at this specific restaurant was that it was within walking distance of the Dougie MacLean concert that I have been counting down the days to see. This is the concert where I slept with my tickets at night under my pillow and abandoned Jason to the shuttle to find his own way home to go see. Now, this would have been a really good plan if it wasn't 22 degrees outside, not mentioning the wind chill factor. I called Letha from the theater and found out that she was already seated for dinner and then made a run for it... a whole block and a half. It was not just cold, it was frigid! I cursed a couple of times, remembered that I had a groovy scarf at home that Brian (Alanus' Beau) picked out for me, and that that would have been clever to bring. Needless to say, it was moot now! Then, after dinner, we had to walk back!

The concert was fantastic! Dougie sings about songs about being where you are and who you are, and how we are similar to each other in the human experience in an age of music that really emphasizes looking for yourself somewhere else and how we don't fit in. His songs about the death of a loved friend, being able to see clearly only up on the mountain and the way that we feel so near to the world as we sit with our friends and experience life together really tug on our inner vision of what the world is like or at least should be like.

Needless to say, I bought 2 CDs and stood in line to have him sign it, and then I was all tongue tied when I got there! I smiled, handed him my CD's and was like, HEY TERRADON, SAY SOMETHING!! And what came out of my mouth? "Hi!" I couldn't remember anything that I wanted to ask, say or anything! Letha let me know I was a freak as we walked out of the building. I imagined us having babies together. *grin*

So the concert was fantastic. In looking at his website, I'm trying to imagine how I can see him perform in Scotland. God I am such a fan girl! I have never done this before!

Lastly, it was Jason's birthday today. We cuddled, ate out at the Fondue Restaurant on the Bus Mall with Burt, Jeff, Shon, and Sara, one of Jason's oldest friends. We spent the evening spearing veggies and various meats into cheeses and broths, and then in turn invoked our inner child figuring out how the sauces might go with each combination. It was a nice evening and the location was amazing. It's underground and decorated very well. It appealed to my Inner interior decorator.

So, we have crossed into another era. As we pass through this Aquarian era, I am reflecting on the fact that we are no longer 20, no longer barely 30, we are 32 and well on our way to what some might consider to be maturity. As Jason and I munched on Mac and Cheese at Valeur off Oak Street, we discussed what we thought this time might have looked like when were younger. Jason talked about it looking more stable and having children. My heart felt a pang but he was quick to point out that now, he didn't feel a loss. I am amazed how how up in the air that much of life feels. Even with most things settled, the world doesn't feel safe right now. It is almost like something could shift and it could all be taken away. For me, I just realized that much of my own ideals I picked up from someone else along the way and they have nothing to do with what I really wanted. What my life would have looked at from my 15 year old perspective is nothing like I would really desire.

I wonder what we will see when we are 50 and looking back at this time. My hope is that it will be a time of peace and laughter, and that I will remember it fondly.

A special day

The morning woke up cold and foggy as I lazily rolled out of bed. My parents, from the Blue Mountains, have been here since Friday, helping me to retile the fireplace that Jason and I tore out almost 3 months ago. The finishing of the tiling signalled the end of a massive project, as we spent hours first choosing the tile, then laying it out on the floor of the store and making patterns, then choosing another set of colors and ultimately repeating this process many times. We ran out of time once and had to come back. I laugh because we just cannot pick one that we like, we have to see ALL the options. The fireplace, as it turns out, is gorgeous and was worth the hours sitting on cement floors in Home Depot.

The rest of the day was spent fixing my mother's email accounts, creating web banners for the abcmountainretreat.com website and fixing WYSIWYG created issues. Happily, my mother has really started pulling her own weight HTML-wise. I have been teaching her to wrap pictures, and to avoid bad HTML fauxpas like "Click Here! " I actually felt a bit reminicent of when I worked on Nervy Girl.

I had my one year date on my surgery come and go and I didn't even remember. Things are significantly better with life being less about pain and more about rebuilding right now. I am happy with where things are at on average. I'd like to lose about 50 pounds. But that is a slow process coming back from over 3 years of Prednisone and 3 surgeries.

Cameron was laid off from his job today and once again, they are both unemployed. My heart just sunk, but I am committed to making sure that they make it one way or another. I just wish it would happen quickly!