Sad mostly

Well, it's official. Letha and Brian are heading out of town and off to China and Cambridge next weekend. I am so excited for them. I really am, and yet am sad. On some level, I just feel bad that I didn't have more time to spend with them before it was time for them to go. It is hard to imagine what was so important that I didn't have time to call more often, but life seems to pull us away like that. Letha is one of my oldest friends, if not my oldest. She is the one who reminds me to look straight ahead and keep walking. It is time for her to move on in her life. I am sure on some level we both are hiding in Portland because it is nice and safe, when we could or should be doing something else. I just wish I felt like I was a better friend. She was alone for most of this year and I was like, yeah, let's get together. But when? Between papers or coven events? Between teaching schedules and visits with family and remodeling. Or perhaps I was just too close to my own sadness about having Jason be gone and having to be strong in that way. Perhaps I didn't want her to see that and just wanted it to be okay for her. even in the moment I am not sure. Mostly I think it's my own detachment from time and the way that I don't think spatially... meaning... I don't have time for everything I want to do and don't have a concept of what it will take to do it. If it were up to me, we'd all just do what we needed to do and ignore the clock. And yet, here is a situation where it bit me in the ass. I ran out of time being too busy doing what I feel like I am called to do, but yet still managed to neglect something that I feel matters more to me than some other things that I have invested in. How does that work? I feel wrong saying that I felt bad for missing time with a dear friend bec ause I was putting in french doors.

I've been crying at some level most of the evening. After I dropped Jason off at the airport a day earlier than I had expected, I just came home and cried. I think I am just grieving her leaving and looking for reasons why I should feel bad or sad instead of just the fact that I am sad to see her go.